Monday, August 9, 2010

Today I Feel Homesick

I miss London today.  Not the city of London itself, but the experience of London that was mine.  I weep at the the selfishness that was mine and how I miss it sometimes.  I had no one's soul to save but my own.  It is funny cause when I was in London, I was never homesick...ever.

I am missing the feelings and stirrings that came to me as part of my London experience.  Though I can't remember details like I used to, those feelings are locked away in little pockets of my heart.  Sometimes the pockets fall open and those feelings come rushing back all at once and it is overwhelming.  I can't control how I feel and I can't stop crying.  It is bad and it is wonderful.  My heart aches and leaps with joy all at the same time.  Maybe that is why it hurts today.

It was an experience that I cannot explain away in words alone.  It  was an all consuming experience.  Like a migraine headache, or giving birth, or depression, or making love.  There are not enough words to describe it, so the feelings have to.  I only know a handful of people in my life that have shared this feeling with me.  2 of them are dead.  The others are few and far between.  My heart  aches for them for them sometimes.  It was the grandest group of people. 

My London experience opened the the door to the rest of my life.  And rightly so, it closed a few as well.

As I go on, into Fall, I will close up those pockets in my heart and hold them tight.  I will wait for them to fall open again, cause they will.  But while I wait, I will use the lessons learned and the happy times I knew to get me through.  So far, I have always made it through.